Why is there a wagon and why do I LEAP off of it! ~ Jully

Last week was a bad one for me. My workout and eating was all out of synch, and the more it was out of synch, the worse it got.

Here's what happened...

I missed a workout and ate a bit more than I should have.
So on the first day, I told myself "oh well, I'll work out tomorrow, and I'll eat better tomorrow"... by that night I was even worse. It was like it was my last opportunity to eat!

Next day comes, of course circumstances lead me to the same path. No workout and bad eating. On this day, I feel even worse, but somehow I can manage to eat just a bit more because I am absolutely sure that I'll be getting back on track the day after.

Yeah, so then next day arrives. There's a SNOW storm! Of course!

By the time the end of the week comes, I'm just overwhelmed with disappointment. I can't stop beating myself over it. I pout, I get angry, I just can't understand how I've let myself go this badly.

On Friday, I went to dinner with my friend. There she asked why I was so unhappy, and why I was beating myself over this. Of course my first instict was to defend myself and assume that she didn't understand. "It's like cigarettes, you quit and when you have that 1 cigarette, you just go for as much as you can, because you know you'll have to quit again, so you over indulge in that moment."

Here's what she told me, "Everyone has bad days too, but they don't beat themselves up for it".

When I started this journey, I told myself 2x per week I would run and up to last week, I kept to it. Now that I skipped that 1 week, I can't seem to be able to forgive myself for it.

Yes, now I realize I have a bigger problem and realistically, it won't be resolved overnight. But me harassing myself for it, won't do any good either.

So if I just think of food as food, then I really wouldn't have a problem. But right now, food is like a drug. I've been going to rehab and I leaped off the wagon at the first chance I had. I hope I can think of food as just food and not as this thing that controls me.

I know it's a sad entry, but I had to share this with everyone.